Better late than never...thoughts from the end of the school year

Friends and family,

I have felt so convicted over the past few weeks about not blogging.  The Lord is doing incredible things through the story He is writing with my life, and it is selfish of me not to share them.  I have a lots of things I want to blog about in the next month or so including:  the remodel of our home, our vow-renewal, our trip to Camp Barnabas, my re-evaluation at Craig hospital, my trip to Florida to visit family, and other thoughts that the Lord has put on my heart as I transition from "recovering" to "real-life living". 

All of the above ideas are in the works in my brain; but below is a blog that I wrote towards the end of the school year.  I never posted it…but I figured “better late than never”!  So here it is.  Thank you for being patient with me.  Look for more frequent posts in the coming weeks!

Before I get inside the building at my job in the morning, I have done an hour or so of necessary bodily preparations, dressed myself in my chair, gathered my supplies for the day, completed five chair transfers, broken my chair down into five pieces and loaded it into my car, pulled those pieces back out of my car and reassembled them, and wheeled up a hill and ramp into the chaos that is high school.  My arms hurt, my shoulders are tired, my hands are covered in grease and dirt from my wheelchair...and yes, I'm finally ready to start my five hours with my 95 fourteen year olds.  These are the first three hours of my day, and the physical pulls on my body only continue.

Struggle is a common theme on this blog. And not only here...I'd say it's a common theme in life in general.  Whether in our life or in the lives of those around us, it seems there is always something difficult...and naturally, we don't like it. 

 Our natural desire is to be comfortable...and believe me, comfort is one of my greatest idols. I assume that all comfortable things are good, and I seek those things above God and His will for my life.  But these past six months have been different. My life is full of physical discomfort and struggle from the moment I get out of bed until I close my eyes at night. I am fully drained, yet somehow still full.

When i think about it, I am floored by the way The Lord has used struggle and hardship to change and grow me over the past six months.  It has been painful and very uncomfortable, but I am not who I was on September 1.  I am deeper. I am more thoughtful. I am wiser. I am more subtly vibrant.  I am more compassionate.  More importantly, I am more insanely captivated by The Lord and his power and workings.  

The path I am on now is so dramatically different than anything I ever would have chosen or written for my own life.  I would never have "chosen" to be paralyzed. I would never have "chosen" to have my husband diagnosed with diabetes.  And all this just three months after our wedding? No way...not even on my radar. 

These things are struggles, and I don't think I know anyone that chooses them for their own life.  Never did I ever think that The Lord would shape my heart in such a way that I could view these struggles and hardships as something good...something ordained by God.

But in all reality, The Lord chooses hardship for our lives.  The bible instructs us to view affliction as God desiring to have us as his own...to not cut us off. We are called to praise him for his patience in refining us instead of giving us the wrath we deserve....even if it hurts.  

In my mind, the struggles in my life now show me that The Lord is writing my story...that He is dictating my path. I am living a life that I would never have written for myself...but in my heart I know that it is better than what I would have written.  

Is it difficult? Yes. Do I always enjoy it? No. But it is an adventure. An adventure that The Lord has chosen for me.  He is undoubtedly the author of my crazy life...and I have come to the point where I would rather live a difficult life with him at the helm than an easy life with me as the captain. 

My suffering and discomfort is from The Lord. He is my rock to lean on, and I use Him. I couldn't do this life if I didn't. My strong arms, calloused hands, and quickly shrinking legs are His. Through the daily struggles they remind me that He is King over my life, and though I am fully tired, that thought makes me fully full. 

"For my own name's sake I delay my wrath; for the sake of my praise I hold it back from you, so as to not cut you off. See I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.  For my own sake, for my own sake, I do this. How can I let myself be defamed? I will not yield my glory to another." Isaiah 48:9-11

--Kaitlin--