John and I started
watching The Walking Dead Season 1.
About three episodes in, I decided that we should stop.
I was afraid.
Washing dishes alone
at the sink at night, I was sure that something terrifying and startling was
about to happen… In the shower, I was
convinced that I would open the curtain to see some stranger standing there.
The same thing
happened with Criminal Minds…and I’m even struggling slightly with Cluny the
Scourge in the children’s novel, Redwall
(don’t judge).
Fear is a real thing,
and lately, I have felt plagued by it.
___________________
I’m not only talking
about silly fantasy fears of the creepy man under the bed.
Real fears.
What if I get a sore?
What if I hurt one of
my shoulders?
What if my work
decides they don’t want me?
What if something
happens to John?
How am I ever going
to have kids AND do all of the things I have to do to take care of my body?
What’s going to
happen to me when I get older?
What if something
ELSE goes wrong? Cancer? Another injury?
More health problems?
Fear can be
crippling, and if I let it, it can completely wipe out any hope I have within
me.
Satan loves this.
_____________________
Last week, I was home
sick with a stomach bug for one day. I found
by the end of the day that I had turned into a complete emotional puddle on the
couch. I was pretty uncomfortable
physically, but I was MORE uncomfortable with the fact that I had failed to
care for myself throughout the day (John was home helping me), I had not gone
to work, I had not gotten anything done around the house…
Each of these things
played into one of the above fears, and soon enough, voices in my head had
started to chatter:
“You are worthless”
“You’ll never be able
to have kids…what will they do when you are sick like this?”
“Your body is so
broken, why even try to take care of it?”
“You’re such a
failure…you can’t even take care of your own body…imagine what it will be like
when this happens when you are older.”
My mind felt like a
chapter out of The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis.
Then come the scarier thoughts…the ones nobody wants to talk about:
“You know, you really
don’t HAVE to deal with this anymore.”
“It would be so
easy…then no more struggle”
Tears.
Frustration.
Sadness.
Fear.
_____________________
I’m being real with you.
Real is important.
Real gives opportunity for the light to shine in…
Satan hates that.
But that’s just it,
friends…light.
There is light.
I do not have to be crippled by fear.
I have been given the tools with which to fight it.
When Jesus died on a
cross for me and three days later rose from the dead, he demonstrated His undeniable goodness by taking the pain of my
sin upon his back, simply so that I would be able to know Him and experience
His love.
Over and over, God
promises that He will be with me in times of trouble.
In Hosea, he declares
“I will lead her into the desert…” God promises that he will lead us into
difficult times of life…but if He is
leading us, then we know without a doubt that He is with us as we walk through
it.
The Lord also
desperately desires for me to put my identity in Him.
“For
all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of
God.” Rom 8:15
If I live as though I am a child of the
King of the Universe, then even if all of my fears come true, I have confidence
that my Father, the one who made heaven and earth still looks on me with joy…I still have worth because he gives it to
me.
____________________
So here’s the question…
What if I get a sore?
God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.
What if I hurt one of
my shoulders?
God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.
What if my work
decides they don’t want me?
God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.
What if something
happens to John?
God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.
How am I ever going
to have kids AND do all of the things I have to do to take care of my body?
God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.
What’s going to
happen to me when I get older?
God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.
What if something
ELSE goes wrong? Cancer? Another injury?
More health problems?
God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.
________________________
Would these things be difficult if they happened?
Incredibly.
God is in control and
He is good. But a lot of times, His good might disagree with what I think good
should look like in my life…and that may be devastatingly painful.
But we are a whisper,
and The Bible says that the trials of this life cannot compare to the glories
that are to come when we are united again with Christ. Rom
8:18
There are plenty of
things to fear.
Whether they come
from a TV show, a children’s storybook, or our own lives…fear is real.
But so is God…and He
is stronger.
I will fear no
evil. For my God is with me. And if my
God is with me, whom (what) then shall I fear?
Even though I walk through the valley of the
shadow of death,c
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
Psalm 23:4
Thank you dear Kaitlin for your honest and inspiring words about fears hold on us and how Jesus saves us from it because he loves us so much that no matter what happens we end up in his loving care. I was reminded in my life of how I felt when Uncle Bob died, I went through several years of blaming myself "I could have taken care of him better" , "He didn't want to go on because I had found someone to care for me" "I am so selfish for that" "I let him down" .......but finally the thought came to me.....I loved him with the greatest love I could ever have for someone, I suffered watching him suffer, I hurt deeply that he missed out on the healthy person he could have been" "Thirty four years of suffering, why would God let this happen" Then I realized that nobody was to blame, it was the shape of my life that my Lord wanted. In knowing that pain, I could finally see Jesus. Me, who couldn't really see him earlier in my life, he appeared and I felt his love. No matter what other life we may have had together, we may not have found Jesus. We held hands weeks before he died, in the courtyard. Him in his wheelchair, me on the park bench, holding hands in such a simple and tender way. We talked about Jesus, that he could just walk right up to us through the bushes and trees and stand there smiling in a loving way to both of us. He would put his hands up and say, you both suffered, it hurt, but you have found much love, and you have found me and you belong to me. I would not have exchanged it for anything.
ReplyDeleteWow. This. So good. Thank you.
ReplyDelete