I'm Afraid of Zombies

John and I started watching The Walking Dead Season 1.   About three episodes in, I decided that we should stop.

I was afraid.

Washing dishes alone at the sink at night, I was sure that something terrifying and startling was about to happen…  In the shower, I was convinced that I would open the curtain to see some stranger standing there.

The same thing happened with Criminal Minds…and I’m even struggling slightly with Cluny the Scourge in the children’s novel, Redwall (don’t judge).

Fear is a real thing, and lately, I have felt plagued by it.

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I’m not only talking about silly fantasy fears of the creepy man under the bed. 

Real fears.

What if I get a sore?

What if I hurt one of my shoulders?

What if my work decides they don’t want me?

What if something happens to John?

How am I ever going to have kids AND do all of the things I have to do to take care of my body?

What’s going to happen to me when I get older?

What if something ELSE goes wrong?  Cancer? Another injury? More health problems?

Fear can be crippling, and if I let it, it can completely wipe out any hope I have within me.

Satan loves this.

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Last week, I was home sick with a stomach bug for one day. I found by the end of the day that I had turned into a complete emotional puddle on the couch.  I was pretty uncomfortable physically, but I was MORE uncomfortable with the fact that I had failed to care for myself throughout the day (John was home helping me), I had not gone to work, I had not gotten anything done around the house…

Each of these things played into one of the above fears, and soon enough, voices in my head had started to chatter:

“You are worthless”

“You’ll never be able to have kids…what will they do when you are sick like this?”

“Your body is so broken, why even try to take care of it?”

“You’re such a failure…you can’t even take care of your own body…imagine what it will be like when this happens when you are older.”

My mind felt like a chapter out of The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis.

Then come the scarier thoughts…the ones nobody wants to talk about:

“You know, you really don’t HAVE to deal with this anymore.”

“It would be so easy…then no more struggle”

Tears.

Frustration.

Sadness.

Fear.

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I’m being real with you.

Real is important.

Real gives opportunity for the light to shine in…

Satan hates that.

But that’s just it, friends…light.

There is light.

I do not have to be crippled by fear. 

I have been given the tools with which to fight it.

When Jesus died on a cross for me and three days later rose from the dead, he demonstrated His undeniable goodness by taking the pain of my sin upon his back, simply so that I would be able to know Him and experience His love.

Over and over, God promises that He will be with me in times of trouble. 

In Hosea, he declares “I will lead her into the desert…”   God promises that he will lead us into difficult times of life…but if He is leading us, then we know without a doubt that He is with us as we walk through it.

The Lord also desperately desires for me to put my identity in Him. 

“For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God.” Rom 8:15

 If I live as though I am a child of the King of the Universe, then even if all of my fears come true, I have confidence that my Father, the one who made heaven and earth still looks on me with joy…I still have worth because he gives it to me.

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So here’s the question…

What if I get a sore?

God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.

What if I hurt one of my shoulders?

God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.

What if my work decides they don’t want me?

God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.

  

What if something happens to John?

God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.

How am I ever going to have kids AND do all of the things I have to do to take care of my body?

God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.

What’s going to happen to me when I get older?

God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.

What if something ELSE goes wrong?  Cancer? Another injury? More health problems?

God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.

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Would these things be difficult if they happened?

Incredibly.

God is in control and He is good. But a lot of times, His good might disagree with what I think good should look like in my life…and that may be devastatingly painful.

But we are a whisper, and The Bible says that the trials of this life cannot compare to the glories that are to come when we are united again with Christ. Rom 8:18

There are plenty of things to fear. 

Whether they come from a TV show, a children’s storybook, or our own lives…fear is real.

But so is God…and He is stronger. 

I will fear no evil.  For my God is with me. And if my God is with me, whom (what) then shall I fear?

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,^c
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4

Room for Sadness

It’s that time of year again.

The weather is getting nice.

People are getting out and enjoying the sun.

As I drive home from work, I see runners… I see bike riders…I see couples strolling and holding hands.

As I leave the grocery store, I see a Mom getting on her bike with one baby on the back and one on the front.

My response to these images for the past year and half has been, “it’s ok, you might not be able to do that…but you can do other things!”

But the truth is, I desperately want to be able to do these things. 

When I see a Mom pushing a stroller, or someone taking a jog…my heart aches.

I feel sad.

My Mom has said to me that she worries that I haven’t processed the accident enough…haven’t taken the time to mourn like so many others have…

I’ve consistently played it off.

“Mom, I’m fine!  I can drive. I’m back to work. I can run errands, cook, and do laundry.  I’m a wife, and even a mom to my puppy!  I’m ok.”

But I think she’s right…I think there’s something more for me to recognize.

I’m not ok because I can “do” all of these things…I’m ok because Jesus has made it so that the sadness will someday be undone.

We have been studying Revelation at church…putting ourselves in the very midst of the throne-room where God’s plan to cleanse the world is in action.

He WILL bring all hearts to Him, and He is where the beauty is.  He is where the suffering ends.  He is where sadness ceases.

But that’s just it…the sadness has not yet been undone…and that means that it is very real.

As we wait for the Lord to take it away, He uses it as a tool in our lives.

Sadness encourages me to run to God for comfort because He is the only one who can give it. 

Sadness gives Him the chance to meet me in my despair when I have nothing else to cling to, and lead me into the hope of eternity with Him

For me, sadness has served to help me to identify some of my idols and selfish desires…the things that I cling to above Christ

I see the idol of control in my heart when I look at my life and it just isn’t what I THOUGHT it should look like.

I realize the root sin of comparison in my life when I look at other women and envy their bodies/capabilities.

I see the reality of my stubbornness to rely on myself instead of Christ when I am bitter about having to re-learn things in a different way.

This is not to say that everything we are sad about reveals an idol in our life…

I am SAD about not being able to walk…but that does not mean I idolized walking…

What I’m realizing is that sadness is real, and it is only as I embrace it that I see its many purposes.

I recognize the brokenness of myself and the world.

Left with nothing else to hope in, I run to CHRIST for comfort

In the arms of my loving Father, I cling to the fact that someday, this sadness WILL be undone.

My new struggle is with the balance of allowing the sadness to be real and to penetrate my heart, while still clinging to the hope we have in Christ and the joy that stems from that.

I don’t know exactly how to do that…but I do know that sadness is OK. 

Sadness does not mean that I am a failure...that I am not “strong enough”

I am not OK because I FEEL OK

I am OK because God is in control.

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"Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2 I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes.There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'" Rev 21:1-4