Get Well Soon Kaitlin: October 2015

John and I started watching The Walking Dead Season 1. About three episodes in, I decided that we should stop.

I was afraid.

Washing dishes alone at the sink at night, I was sure that something terrifying and startling was about to happen… In the shower, I was convinced that I would open the curtain to see some stranger standing there.

The same thing happened with Criminal Minds…and I’m even struggling slightly with Cluny the Scourge in the children’s novel, Redwall (don’t judge).

Fear is a real thing, and lately, I have felt plagued by it.

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I’m not only talking about silly fantasy fears of the creepy man under the bed.

Real fears.

What if I get a sore?

What if I hurt one of my shoulders?

What if my work decides they don’t want me?

What if something happens to John?

How am I ever going to have kids AND do all of the things I have to do to take care of my body?

What’s going to happen to me when I get older?

What if something ELSE goes wrong? Cancer? Another injury? More health problems?

Fear can be crippling, and if I let it, it can completely wipe out any hope I have within me.

Satan loves this.

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Last week, I was home sick with a stomach bug for one day. I found by the end of the day that I had turned into a complete emotional puddle on the couch. I was pretty uncomfortable physically, but I was MORE uncomfortable with the fact that I had failed to care for myself throughout the day (John was home helping me), I had not gone to work, I had not gotten anything done around the house…

Each of these things played into one of the above fears, and soon enough, voices in my head had started to chatter:

“You are worthless”

“You’ll never be able to have kids…what will they do when you are sick like this?”

“Your body is so broken, why even try to take care of it?”

“You’re such a failure…you can’t even take care of your own body…imagine what it will be like when this happens when you are older.”

My mind felt like a chapter out of The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis.

Then come the scarier thoughts…the ones nobody wants to talk about:

“You know, you really don’t HAVE to deal with this anymore.”

“It would be so easy…then no more struggle”

Tears.

Frustration.

Sadness.

Fear.

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I’m being real with you.

Real is important.

Real gives opportunity for the light to shine in…

Satan hates that.

But that’s just it, friends…light.

There is light.

I do not have to be crippled by fear.

I have been given the tools with which to fight it.

When Jesus died on a cross for me and three days later rose from the dead, he demonstrated His undeniable goodness by taking the pain of my sin upon his back, simply so that I would be able to know Him and experience His love.

Over and over, God promises that He will be with me in times of trouble.

In Hosea, he declares “I will lead her into the desert…” God promises that he will lead us into difficult times of life…but if He is leading us, then we know without a doubt that He is with us as we walk through it.

The Lord also desperately desires for me to put my identity in Him.

“For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God.” Rom 8:15

If I live as though I am a child of the King of the Universe, then even if all of my fears come true, I have confidence that my Father, the one who made heaven and earth still looks on me with joy…I still have worth because he gives it to me.

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So here’s the question…

What if I get a sore?