I'm Afraid of Zombies

John and I started watching The Walking Dead Season 1.   About three episodes in, I decided that we should stop.

I was afraid.

Washing dishes alone at the sink at night, I was sure that something terrifying and startling was about to happen…  In the shower, I was convinced that I would open the curtain to see some stranger standing there.

The same thing happened with Criminal Minds…and I’m even struggling slightly with Cluny the Scourge in the children’s novel, Redwall (don’t judge).

Fear is a real thing, and lately, I have felt plagued by it.

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I’m not only talking about silly fantasy fears of the creepy man under the bed. 

Real fears.

What if I get a sore?

What if I hurt one of my shoulders?

What if my work decides they don’t want me?

What if something happens to John?

How am I ever going to have kids AND do all of the things I have to do to take care of my body?

What’s going to happen to me when I get older?

What if something ELSE goes wrong?  Cancer? Another injury? More health problems?

Fear can be crippling, and if I let it, it can completely wipe out any hope I have within me.

Satan loves this.

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Last week, I was home sick with a stomach bug for one day. I found by the end of the day that I had turned into a complete emotional puddle on the couch.  I was pretty uncomfortable physically, but I was MORE uncomfortable with the fact that I had failed to care for myself throughout the day (John was home helping me), I had not gone to work, I had not gotten anything done around the house…

Each of these things played into one of the above fears, and soon enough, voices in my head had started to chatter:

“You are worthless”

“You’ll never be able to have kids…what will they do when you are sick like this?”

“Your body is so broken, why even try to take care of it?”

“You’re such a failure…you can’t even take care of your own body…imagine what it will be like when this happens when you are older.”

My mind felt like a chapter out of The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis.

Then come the scarier thoughts…the ones nobody wants to talk about:

“You know, you really don’t HAVE to deal with this anymore.”

“It would be so easy…then no more struggle”

Tears.

Frustration.

Sadness.

Fear.

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I’m being real with you.

Real is important.

Real gives opportunity for the light to shine in…

Satan hates that.

But that’s just it, friends…light.

There is light.

I do not have to be crippled by fear. 

I have been given the tools with which to fight it.

When Jesus died on a cross for me and three days later rose from the dead, he demonstrated His undeniable goodness by taking the pain of my sin upon his back, simply so that I would be able to know Him and experience His love.

Over and over, God promises that He will be with me in times of trouble. 

In Hosea, he declares “I will lead her into the desert…”   God promises that he will lead us into difficult times of life…but if He is leading us, then we know without a doubt that He is with us as we walk through it.

The Lord also desperately desires for me to put my identity in Him. 

“For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God.” Rom 8:15

 If I live as though I am a child of the King of the Universe, then even if all of my fears come true, I have confidence that my Father, the one who made heaven and earth still looks on me with joy…I still have worth because he gives it to me.

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So here’s the question…

What if I get a sore?

God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.

What if I hurt one of my shoulders?

God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.

What if my work decides they don’t want me?

God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.

  

What if something happens to John?

God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.

How am I ever going to have kids AND do all of the things I have to do to take care of my body?

God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.

What’s going to happen to me when I get older?

God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.

What if something ELSE goes wrong?  Cancer? Another injury? More health problems?

God is still good. He will be with you. You are still His child.

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Would these things be difficult if they happened?

Incredibly.

God is in control and He is good. But a lot of times, His good might disagree with what I think good should look like in my life…and that may be devastatingly painful.

But we are a whisper, and The Bible says that the trials of this life cannot compare to the glories that are to come when we are united again with Christ. Rom 8:18

There are plenty of things to fear. 

Whether they come from a TV show, a children’s storybook, or our own lives…fear is real.

But so is God…and He is stronger. 

I will fear no evil.  For my God is with me. And if my God is with me, whom (what) then shall I fear?

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,^c
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4

Room for Sadness

It’s that time of year again.

The weather is getting nice.

People are getting out and enjoying the sun.

As I drive home from work, I see runners… I see bike riders…I see couples strolling and holding hands.

As I leave the grocery store, I see a Mom getting on her bike with one baby on the back and one on the front.

My response to these images for the past year and half has been, “it’s ok, you might not be able to do that…but you can do other things!”

But the truth is, I desperately want to be able to do these things. 

When I see a Mom pushing a stroller, or someone taking a jog…my heart aches.

I feel sad.

My Mom has said to me that she worries that I haven’t processed the accident enough…haven’t taken the time to mourn like so many others have…

I’ve consistently played it off.

“Mom, I’m fine!  I can drive. I’m back to work. I can run errands, cook, and do laundry.  I’m a wife, and even a mom to my puppy!  I’m ok.”

But I think she’s right…I think there’s something more for me to recognize.

I’m not ok because I can “do” all of these things…I’m ok because Jesus has made it so that the sadness will someday be undone.

We have been studying Revelation at church…putting ourselves in the very midst of the throne-room where God’s plan to cleanse the world is in action.

He WILL bring all hearts to Him, and He is where the beauty is.  He is where the suffering ends.  He is where sadness ceases.

But that’s just it…the sadness has not yet been undone…and that means that it is very real.

As we wait for the Lord to take it away, He uses it as a tool in our lives.

Sadness encourages me to run to God for comfort because He is the only one who can give it. 

Sadness gives Him the chance to meet me in my despair when I have nothing else to cling to, and lead me into the hope of eternity with Him

For me, sadness has served to help me to identify some of my idols and selfish desires…the things that I cling to above Christ

I see the idol of control in my heart when I look at my life and it just isn’t what I THOUGHT it should look like.

I realize the root sin of comparison in my life when I look at other women and envy their bodies/capabilities.

I see the reality of my stubbornness to rely on myself instead of Christ when I am bitter about having to re-learn things in a different way.

This is not to say that everything we are sad about reveals an idol in our life…

I am SAD about not being able to walk…but that does not mean I idolized walking…

What I’m realizing is that sadness is real, and it is only as I embrace it that I see its many purposes.

I recognize the brokenness of myself and the world.

Left with nothing else to hope in, I run to CHRIST for comfort

In the arms of my loving Father, I cling to the fact that someday, this sadness WILL be undone.

My new struggle is with the balance of allowing the sadness to be real and to penetrate my heart, while still clinging to the hope we have in Christ and the joy that stems from that.

I don’t know exactly how to do that…but I do know that sadness is OK. 

Sadness does not mean that I am a failure...that I am not “strong enough”

I am not OK because I FEEL OK

I am OK because God is in control.

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"Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2 I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes.There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'" Rev 21:1-4

Brave enough...

This will be my first entry since the one-year anniversary of my injury.  September 1 was just a day for John and I.  We didn’t take it too seriously or get too emotional about it; but it has given me the chance to look back over the past year of events and just reflect. 

From the very moment of the accident, The Lord gave me a sense of peace. 

As I opened my eyes in that dry riverbed, I soon came to realize that I could not feel or move my legs.  Instead of freaking out about that…I started immediately talking about how grateful I was that I COULD feel and move my arms and hands.

One of the first things I started talking about upon entering the ICU was how excited I was to go to Disneyland and get fast-passes for every ride.

Through all of my therapies, I was strong and determined.  I took the time I had at Craig as an opportunity to meet other people and be an encourager.  Many times I was even an encourager to my friends and family.

When people would come to visit, I wanted to make them feel comfortable and like they didn’t have to worry about me.  I wanted to be OK as to make sure that they were ok. 

Overall…I was brave. 

In some ways, I think the Lord gave me this bravery and peace as a way to survive.  I had to push on and do the next thing so that I could get better…so that I could get back to normal life. 

Well, I’m here now…back to normal life….but my new normal is not what I thought it would be.

Unless the Lord chooses to heal me, I will spend the rest of my life sitting down.  I will never again feel the sand in my toes or the lapping of ocean waves on my legs.  I won’t summit another fourteen thousand foot mountain.  It will take me at least three times longer to get in and out of my car.  I will plan my days around how many transfers will be required of me. I will need someone to push my cart at the grocery store.  I will continue to ask people to pump my gas at the gas station.  I will fear stairs and cracks in the sidewalks.  I will live with sore shoulders and consistent pain in my hands. I will always rely on others to reach items on high shelves, or to reach under my desk to grab that apple that rolled away.  I will be nervous to be alone for fear of falling from my chair.  For the most part, everything will be just a little bit more difficult.

That is scary.  And the question is…am I still brave? 

You know what…I think bravery at this stage of my healing process looks different than it did in the beginning. 

 I am not brave…I am scared.  But in a way, that is the bravest thing I can say.  It can be terrifying to not be ok.  It is so hard for me to acknowledge the fact that I cannot make everyone happy for forever.  People will be sad when they hear my story and look at my life, even if I am bright and sparkling and perfectly happy.  The Lord is big enough for me to struggle.  He is knitting all of this into a story of beauty, whether I’m cheery or not.

So in this season, I’m brave enough to not be brave.  It’s new for me, and very scary, but so authentic.  

Psalm 62:5 “For God alone, o’ my soul wait in silence, for my hope is from Him.”

"What is your life? For you are a mist..."

On June 1, one year after our wedding day, John and I renewed our vows. 

To some this may sound strange.  Normally vow renewals happen 10, 20, 50 years after a marriage…but looking back on the craziness of our first year, we felt that repeating the promises we made to each other on the day of our wedding was fitting. 

And so, gathered in our backyard with a few close family and friends, we re-stated our commitment to one another:

I John take you Kaitlin to be my lawfully wedded wife

You are my best friend, and it is my delight to marry you today.

I promise to love you steadily when things get hard, and that my commitment today will not be swayed by future circumstances or feelings.

I promise to laugh with you, to cry with you, and to be faithful to you until we are parted by death; to put your needs ahead of my own, and to treat you with tenderness and respect.

I promise to do my best to love you and lead you as Jesus has done for the Church, to show you grace as he has shown me grace, and to seek your good even though it may cause me harm.

I promise to allow God to use you in my life as He grows me into a man, strong and courageous, who walks humbly with the Lord.

And so throughout life, no matter what may lie ahead of us, I pledge to you my life as a loving and faithful husband.

I Kaitlin take you John to be my lawfully wedded husband

You are my best friend, and it is my delight to marry you today.

I promise to love you steadily when things get hard, and that my commitment today will not be swayed.

I promise to laugh with you, to cry with you, and to be faithful to you until we are parted by death; to put your needs ahead of my own, and to treat you with honor and respect.

I promise to do my best to love you and submit to you as the Church submits to the headship of Christ, to show you grace as he has shown me grace, and to seek your good in all things regardless of my circumstances or feelings.

I promise to allow God to use you in my life as He grows me into a woman of noble character, adorned with good works.

And so, no matter what may lie ahead of us, I pledge to you my life as an obedient and faithful wife.

When we said these vows originally, we had no idea what our “future circumstances” would look like.  In the bliss of our wedding day, we were not thinking of the hardships that we would face just three months down the road…not considering the fact that many of the hopes and dreams for our future together would be dramatically shifted while we were still just newlyweds. 

We wanted to travel freely and easily. We wanted to live a fast-paced life.  We wanted to be the perfect, beautiful, happy family that had it all together. 

But that’s not what tomorrow brought. 

Although our life is not even close to what we though laid ahead of us when said our vows, we have been continually reminded this year hat the Lord has a plan…that He wills certain things to happen or not happen, and He uses these circumstances to mold and shape us into disciples who bring glory to Him. 

We are reminded that our lives are a “mist”…our marriage is a “mist”.  If we are not rooted in Christ, all of this is worthless.

Our vows are even more beautiful to me today than they were on the day of our wedding.  They have context.  They have experienced fire.  They are deeper…more real…more raw. 

The Lord has been good and faithful in producing beauty from our “tomorrow”; and I have no doubt that He will continue to lead our marriage according to His perfect will for as many days as He gives us together.

“…yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring.  What is your life?  For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.  Instead you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will do this or that.’”  James 4:14-15

A huge thanks to Leah McEachern Photography. http://leahmceachernphotography.com/