Over the past few weeks my morning showers have been getting longer and longer. In a time of trauma and uncertainty, I find myself searching for those rare moments when my life feels somewhat normal. As hot water streams over my neck and back, I can almost imagine that everything is still ok. As the water continues to flow reality always floods back in, leaving my mind to wander and wrestle with the circumstances that have been thrust upon us. Is this part of God’s will? Why would he let this happen? If it is part of his will, did God cause the crash? If he did, what does that say about who God is? If we know God can heal Kaitlin, why doesn’t he do it?
Heavy questions.
As I wrestle with these, I realize that so many of you may also be confronted with similar thoughts, and are discontent to simply let them be. Because of this, I wanted to share how Kaitlin and I have been processing through this, partially just to write out what we have been thinking, and partially to let you in on this next stage of recovery.
As Kait and I were talking with each other last night, she said “John, my legs just feel so heavy, they are just dead weight attached to my body.” This is new for both of us, and is a constant reminder that our expectations for the future have turned to smoke and drifted away. Prior to the accident we spoke often of God’s will for our lives, but always in a sort of hopeful way that his plans would align with our own. As long as we didn’t have any clear direction or limitations, we were free to dream of future travels and adventures that we could enjoy together before settling down to a fulfilling family life.
So what happened? We believe in a God who is in control, and have always (paid lip service at least) to the fact that we are not in control. In Deut. 32:39 God says about himself “See now that I, even I, am he, and there is no god besides me; I kill and I make alive; I wound and I heal; and there is none that can deliver out of my hand.” It is clear to both Kaitlin and I that the God we claim to worship is powerful. The full spectrum of life and death, wounding and healing is within his power, while only the negative half is really in our power (killing and wounding). It is not as though Kaitlin had the accident because God made a mistake. If he is really in control, then it is impossible for something like this to happen without his hand in it. Even so, He is the only source that can “make alive” and “heal,” which is what we hope for, but are unable to provide ourselves. But did God cause the accident? In John 9 Jesus explains that a man who he heals was born blind “that the works of God might be displayed in him.” So we know that it is not beyond God to use bodily disability as a tool to show humanity that Jesus has the power to forgive sins.
Kaitlin and I don’t know why this is happening to us. To be candid, we hate it and wish we could change it, but we lack the ability to do so. There may be a day when we look back at all of this and can say with a straight face that we have seen the fruit which God has produced, and that it has all been worthwhile, but that day is not today. Despite this feeling, we know and cling to the fact that God is worthy of worship, that he is the only true source of life and healing, and that to patiently trust in His will and not our own is the right course of action. If God chose to paralyze Kaitlin, he is still worthy of our worship, and is no less gracious and merciful than he was before the accident.
To deal with these hard questions, Kaitlin and I have worked to understand our own position before and all powerful, and terrifyingly sovereign God. In James 4:14 it says “Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. You are a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” In the scope of all time and eternity, this is so true. It is why most of us cannot even name our great grandparents. God is the one who shapes us, the one who decides where our lives go. “Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honored use and another for dishonorable use?” (Romans 9:21). This means that if God chooses to paralyze Kaitlin, we cannot claim to be his followers and simultaneously argue with him about the wisdom of doing so. There is no requirement for us to be happy about it, but we will not ever claim that he has wronged us.
Even though we lack the power to determine our own circumstances, we have a profound assurance that God is good, and that he loves us. We know this because he sent Jesus to die for us so that we could be reconnected to the only source of life, healing, and joy.
It is only over the past few weeks that Kaitlin and I have started to process through all of this stuff. Your prayers and blessings have been truly wonderful, and we appreciate the many ways you all have supported us. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you.
- John
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